i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
