Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
