i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I didn't shave. On purpose
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
