my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
