If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
