I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
