Me. At least after what I've been through.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
