So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Nobody cheats on THIS.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
