My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
