one word: firstdatebathroomanal
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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