I need to stop coming to work sober
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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