if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
