I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
