Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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