Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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