I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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