When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
PS: I just woke up from my shower
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
