I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
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