I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
