I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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