how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
