My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
