her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
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