went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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