Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
