My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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