we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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