I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
