Say something about gay babies.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
