just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
