They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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