the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my shit smells like andre
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
