Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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