So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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