im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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