You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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