if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
