I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
