Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
