Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
