My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
