I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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