so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
