Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
