Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
