i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
not ubering you a puppy
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
