just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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