The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
