Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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