Four minutes until I can fart!
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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