Jerry, you need to find god
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
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