just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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