I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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