Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
you inspire me to be a worse person
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
