one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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