You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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