I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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