Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
